Skydiving is practice suicide? ...

Me: My friends found a really great Group-on for Skydiving! I think we are going to get it.

Mom: WHY WHY! Tell me WHY do you want to PRACTICE COMMITTING SUICIDE?!?!?!?!?!

Me: Its not practice suicide!

Mom: YES IT IS! NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! DON'T GIVE ME THESE HEART ATTACKS!

Grandma vs. Logos

I went shopping and bought new pants

Grandma: Annette, there's a stain on your pants.

Me: oh no that's the logo

Grandma:   It looks like a stain....

Me: Its a PUMA! I've wanted these pants for such a long time, please don't insult the....

Grandma: Why did you want pants that look like they have a stain? I'm not insulting the pants ... but your fashion sense needs improvement.

Me:  :( 

Nicknames

My mom likes to give nicknames to people who's names she can't remember. This obviously doesn't include her close friends but it does include people who have more of an acquaintance status. She refers to them solely by their nicknames allowing situations like this to happen:

*conversation about property taxes*

Mom's Friend:  I heard that they are going to lower property taxes in general

Mom: No No, I heard the opposite

Mom's Friend: From whom?

Mom: The Panda told me

Mom's Friend : *WTF Face*

Me: *Face Palm*

Mom: Oh come on you know who I'm talking about ..... THE PANDA!!!!!

Living in Style with Oscar De Le Renta!

So this one happened a while ago, and I shared it on Facebook but not my blog.

Mom: *on the phone with a friend* Yeah I bought two pairs of pajamas in Costco for only $17, and they are Oscar de la Renta!

ME:*overhears and gets excited*OMG OMG we own something from Oscar de la Renta?!?!?! That's so exciting!!! Too bad its not a dress 

Mom: *ends phone convo, turns to me* We can't afford an Oscar de la Renta dress, we will settle for pajamas.

ME: Isn't the Russian philosophy that "the point of wearing brand names is that other people know you wear them". No one sees what brand your pajama is....

Mom: Don't worry I'll tell them 

LOL
#pajamainstyle

Helping your Mom with Homework!

What's more fun than staying up till 1 am writing your essay? staying up till 1 am writing your MOM'S essay as she dictates it to you in Russian and having to translate....

To be fair I'm super proud of her for working full time, and taking classes, especially since writing essays is difficult when English is your third language.

Abercrombie & Fitch Dilema

A while ago my mom and I were shopping in the US

Mom: Look 40% off at Abercrombie & Fitch, I want a T-shirt.

Me: OK

*Browsing* My mom notices that the Plain T-shirts with no logo cost $5, and the T-shirts with the Abercrombie & Fitch written across the front are $15*

Mom: $15 for a T-shirt?!?!?!

Me: There are other T-shirts for $5

Mom: What is the point of an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt if it doesn't say "Abercrombie and Fitch" on it? That's just a regular T-shirt! ...... I mean its not like their good quality, whats the point of buying them?

Me: Believe it or not some people don't like to have the brand name across their chest

Mom: Then what's the point of having a brand?

Grandma: Yes! you can buy a cheaper and better quality plain T-shirt ... that is NOT half sea-through mid you, and just TELL everyone its A&F..... cut off the "no name" label and say it was itchy.

getting arrested vs. hurting grandma's feelings ... Tough Choice!

So for the first time, here is a GRANDMA story :)

Grandma: Do you want some wine? [Her home-made wine]

me: no

Grandma: WHY?!? your grandfather and I made it.

me: I'm DRIVING

Grandma: that's ok my wine has no alcohol *explains process of how it was made*

me: I took organic chem that definitely has alcohol, you just explained the process of fermentation!

Grandma: are you really gonna hurt my feelings and not try any?

me: * face-palm* babushka, I'm picturing explaining this to a police officer and its not looking good!

Being Disorganized - A serious afliction

After a lengthy conversation about something I forgot to do

Mom: You are so disorganized! What did I ever do to deserve such a disorganized child?!?

Me: *trying to lighten the mood* At least I'm not an alcoholic :)

Mom: You know, there are some very smart, organized, and high functioning alcoholics.

Me: Their organization skills are not a result of their addiction....

Mom: I know, they just got very lucky

Me: *rolls eyes* That's a matter of perspective


Moral of the story: Organization is a highly important skill that can help one overcome any situation. AKA I can't be an alcoholic because I would be bad at it :P

Candy Crush promotes integrity.... WHO KNEW?

*Mom is playing Candy Crush while we are watching a TV show* 

Mom: *looses her game* Damn it!

Me: *watching over her shoulder* Let me play for you! I'll pass that level for you.

Mom: *Disapproving tone* That's CHEATING!

Me: Mom it's a game....

Mom: But I play against my FRIENDS, its unfair if the score I get isn't mine, they work hard for their scores!

Me: So you have no problem bribing people in Vegas, but Candy Crush requires integrity?

Mom: I don't care about the hotel system in Vegas, but I care about my friends and their Candy Crush achievements.

Me: OK then...

Mom: Don't be that person who cheats at games, games are meant to be fun and honest, life isn't.

CANDY CRUSH: PROMOTING INTEGRITY AND HONESTY

being polite vs psychological warfare

*My mom and I are on the ferry coming back from the Island (where she so kindly supported me at an even I had to attend) to the mainland*

It is a late night ferry, and where we are sitting, its us, a sleeping man and a young woman who is a couple rows away.

The entire time, this girl's phone was beeping, whistling, and ringing. She had the volume on her iPhone on FULL, i could hear her texting,  the text being sent, her receiving texts, her message alerts, and her VERY LOUD phone calls.

me: *Trying to ------------------------------------>, because its late and I'm tiered*

Girl: *whistle* *tap tap tap* *ping ping* *RIIIIIIING* Hi! Yeah I'm on the ferry! NO! Just don't pick up his calls! blablablablabla

*once again, this is a late night ferry*

me:  *then as this continues* I am going to go tell her to turn her phone on silent!

MOM: NO We need to teach her a lesson! ENGAGE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE*Turns on her full phone sound and plays candy crush, WITH FULL SOUND*

Girl: *starts talking louder, and when she hangs up, she is still texting around 10 people and getting annoying pings every 20 seconds*

MOM: *Gives girl a disapproving look, then turns on Russian Music*

Girl: *Rolls eyes and leaves*

Me: You know mom, asking her nicely would have worked better, it would have been more polite

Mom: well see this is why I raised you right, you would never to what I did, nor what she did :D I'm a good mom!

Me: The very best! *Falls asleep*

I'm singing in the GAHHHH HELP!

me: *singing in the shower* I set fiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrre to the rain!

* mom comes in to bathroom to grab her hairbrush, I do not hear her come in*

mom: *starts singing to Adele tune* Don't forget tooooooooooooo clean the DRAIN!

me: *heart attack*

I have previously mentioned that most of our conversations are in Russian, but seeing as we live in Canada we speak English among ourselves too.

Good intentions

My mom on good intentions, implying that information is revealed on a need to know basis:

Mom: Just because your heart is in the right place doesn't mean your brain can take a field-trip!

This after I tried to cheer a family friend up with a humorous story about my grandfather, which portrayed him in a comical light.

Bad Assumptions

My mom and I work near each other so we drive home together.

Mom: I can leave early today if you can.

me: Yeah I can leave early.

Mom: Ok, at the car at 3:35 SHARP

.............
Later on

*3 minutes later*
me: so you just ASSUME that I'm going to be late?

mom: and this is EXACTLY why first impressions matter?

me: what first impressions you've known me my whole life!

mom: see this is exactly why it matters what people think of you. This is not my mistake, this is an important life lesson.

me: *LOL*

Tomato Chemistry

me: I think this tomato has gone bad, its too soft

mom: bite it and see how it tastes

me: I don't want to bite bad tomatoes! I'll get food poisoning...

mom: Don't be ridiculous and taste the tomato

me: *bites* it tastes OK to me

mom: *disbelieving look* let me try *bites tomato*  this has gone bad. The fact that you tasted a bad tomato won't give you food poisoning, the fact that I've raised a daughter that can't tell good vegetables from bad vegetables is what gives you food poisoning! Give me the frying pan, I'm going to make pasta sauce.

me: mom you just said is was a bad tomato!

mom: Its bad if you want to eat it raw, its still OK for pasta sauce. Most jams and sauces are made from overripe fruits. You wont get food poisoning because heat kills the bacteria that coats the fruit as it overripe and begins to rot. No wonder you struggle with chemistry!!!

me: you mean biology?

mom: being a smart ass doesn't make you smart.

me            mom          <--- well played mom, well played

0                5

*too be fair I knew this about fruits and vegetables, but I'm just a lazy and a bit germaphobic

Candy Crush Creates Serious Issues

Mom: I have no one except you to ask for Candy Crush tickets

Me: Ask grandma

Mom: she's not my friend on Facebook

Me: why?

Mom: becaaaaaauuuussseeee!

Me: what are you hiding from your mother?!?!?

Mom: NOTHING!

Me:......

Mom: it's not right for people to add their moms on Facebook. It unnatural

Me: mom, you're my friend on Facebook.

Mom: me and you are special.

Me: I'm going to delete you!

Mom: how could you do that to your own mother!

Irony level = Over 9000

Vegas Advice

My friends and I turned 21 and went to Vegas. However, we were trying to save money in any way possible so we only booked one hotel room for the five of us. We were hoping to ask for a room upgrade if possible (because we had heard that in Vegas upgrades are given out for free sometimes). This is how this situation went.

*Friend & I Checking in*

Friend: We were wondering if you guys had any room upgrades available today?

Clerk: Sure we do! We have our suites which are $100 extra per night, then we have our deluxe rooms which are $80 extra per night.

me: *sad face that its not free* That's OK, we will stick with our room thanks!

*5 min later, calling mom to tell her we have arrived and checked in. Then telling her that our brilliant "we are going to get an upgrade plan" didn't work*

mom: Annette, go up to a different clerk, give them $20 cash and ask for an upgrade!

me: Mom that's bribery! People in normal countries don't do this! This is not Russia!

mom: I am thrilled to have raised such an honest daughter, but believe me this will work.

me: Mom its OK, we'll just stay in our regular room

mom: The five of you in one standard room? You guys are going to be sardines in a can! Go try it! If they say no, say "thank you for your time".

*My friend and I return to the counter, and we go to a different clerk this time. We are nervously holding $20 under in a very secret sneaky way*

me: Hi, we have already checked in but we thought we'd ask if you had any room upgrades available?

Friend: *discretely slips $20 to the clerk*

Clerk #2: We definitely have upgrades! Let me give you your new room key!

me: *Speechless, calling mommy* It worked! I thought they would call security but it worked!

mom: Did you think your mother was born yesterday?

Grownup Facebook Problems

Mom: My 48 year old coworker just told me about his Facebook drama (which he was genuinely upset about). His friend put him on limited profile, so he deleted her and now she's mad. Gives a whole new meaning to never growing up!

me: Wow... interesting...

Mom: I don't want to add him as a friend because he cares too much about Facebook, do you think he'll be mad?

me: Oh the irony! Do you care?

Mom: I don't .....but I feel like I should

Hipsters

Mom: What is a "hipster"?

me: *give best explanation I can for about 10 minutes concluding with * "something
you would never wear to a Russian party"

----------------Next Day----------------

Mom: "I want to be a 'hipster' for Halloween"

me: *Laughing forever*

Mom: What I think it would be fun!

me: *still laughing* no its brilliant!

Introduction

Hi!
This blog is dedicated to the amusing conversations I have with my mother, and sometimes my grandmother. I used to have just a word file where I would write these, and some of them are so funny I thought I would share. My mother and I speak to each other either in Russian or English depending on the situation. However, all conversations are real, and translated as truthfully and accurately as possible :)